May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
As a prep for tomorrow, in addition to prayer, I wanted to get it typed out.
I do not remember a time that I did not know the Lord. I was born in 1986 2 1/2 months early. I was a complicated baby, early, collapsed lung, and paralyzed arm to name a few (all of which, the Lord has restored). My parents always told me that I was a "miracle baby," giving all glory to the Lord. I never knew/believed otherwise.
I grew up in the church, a real Church that loved and served others more than self... the true bride of Christ. It was never about religion, it was real. My childhood was pure bliss.
In junior high, a mormon friend asked me to her birthday party, my mom was guarded, but eventually let me go. The family conveyed that we were going to see a play about Jesus. Such was not the case, and that evening, I found myself in an all-out mormon church service. I remember feeling so alone in a room packed full of people, and my heart broke for them. Driving home from the service, I was placed in the front seat with my friend's mother and she began questioning everything I knew as truth. I felt helpless in defense of my belief. As soon as we got back to their home I called my mom and used our "pass code" to ask to leave the party. Mama picked me up promptly. After that, my morning times with Jesus began on a daily basis. I had to know more about my faith, and desired to seek the truth in scriptures that I felt in my heart.
My junior year of high school, I entered into an unhealthy relationship with a boy. He was verbally abusive. I maintained my relationship with the Lord, but began to doubt myself and the truth of who God said I was. I doubted my beauty and worth. I began to develop an eating disorder. I limited my intake of food, and obsessively exercised.
December 9, 2005, my Pawpaw died very unexpectedly. Although I had a Dad growing up, Pawpaw was comparable to a father-figure in my life. He was the foundation of our close-knit family. My family's world was rocked. For the first time in my life, I remember a 3 day period where I did not pray. I could not speak to the Lord. I was so angry! How could this God I loved and worshiped allow me and my family to know such pain? It was so unfair! I had to go back to college to finish my finals. While on campus, my friend Jimmy asked me to pray for a friend of his. I could not refuse to seek the Lord on another person's behalf. My days of silence with God were broken and with that came waves of emotion. Although the silence broke, I was no where close to being on solid ground. I began drinking and socially isolating myself from my family and friends.
Previously in the semester, I had signed up for a winter retreat with Campus Crusade for Christ. At this point in time, I did not want to go, but my parents saw me going downhill and encouraged me to give it a try. I remember my dad dropping me off to car pool with two guys I had never met before (Austin and Nate). On the road, we picked up a third guy (Scott). I am thankful for my dad trusting the Lord, he must have known how desperately I needed this time. Over the week at the retreat the Lord continued to reveal Himself to me. His goodness saturated into my brokenness and healing began. I decided to follow the Lord even if my life was not always good. I decided to trust Him although the pain I felt was unbearable. I learned more of His character and grace, and fell more in love with Him.
I also began to question the unhealthy relationship I was still in from high school. I remember thinking how great Austin, Nate, and Scott were. These three guys met me when I was at the lowest I had ever experienced life. They loved and accepted me so instantly. God used these guys to get me to begin questioning, "if strangers can love me so sweetly, why am I dating a guy who I have known for years and treats me horribly?"
Not soon after, but eventually, I was able to end the abusive relationship, then sweet freedom! Singleness was a time of growing to know more of who I was, just me and Jesus. Seven months later, I was surprised to find out I was being romantically pursued by one of my dearest friends.
Scott and I began dating with two goals in mind, #1 to maintain our friendship, #2 to take one day at a time. Our relationship has always been such a sweet thing (Praise the Lord for His grace)! We were able to grow close without any false motivation (we were both dating other people when we first met), our friendship was pure and honest. By the time we started dating, we both had a pretty good idea of what we were getting into. I felt like Scott had such an honest view of who I was, he sees me for me and still chooses to love. Engagement and marriage followed soon after.
Marriage is the best-hardest thing I have ever done! Our first few months of marriage were a dream, then Scott left for officer's training with the army. Again, God asked me to trust Him, despite the pain that came from the distance. I was eventually able to go practice my therapy with the soldiers on the base where Scott was located. Life was better without the distance.
Once we made it back to Texas though, our marriage was on the rocks to say the least. We were struggling relationally, and Scott was unemployed. We went to counseling with our Pastor, Greg, and he began leading us through an intense freedom study. Over that time healing and freedom began to enter our lives. It was not an over-night change, but eventually, the sun came out again and we both had hope for maintaining our marriage and living in brighter days. Freedom was coming!
Shortly after we completed the counseling, we found out that my dad had a brain tumor and would need an operation to remove it. That followed with many complications. The next years revealed two more brain surgeries and a change in my dad's overall quality of life. My dad had an infection after the surgery, and there was more than one night that I did not believe I would wake up and still have a dad. I petitioned the Lord constantly and begged for His mercy on my father. My dad did suffered a traumatic brain injury, but he is alive and continues to heal.
In April 2011, I started working for Seton Shoal Creek. This place is more than a challenge. It has grown and stretched me both as a therapist and on a personal level. Because of the daily challenges, I am becoming much more confident in who I am and what I will stand for. I am daily required to trust the Lord with my life and the lives of the patients I work with. I am thankful to be called as a light in a dark place.
Fear is the biggest thing I struggle to have freedom from. After recovering from an eating disorder, I was afraid that Scott and I would not be able to have children, due to the damage I inflicted on my own body. I was so afraid to lose my marriage. I was so afraid to lose my dad, like I lost my Pawpaw. When we knew my dad would live, I was still afraid that my dad would not be able to remember the names of our future-children, or my brothers' future-wives. God had other plans.
Life has not been just an abundance of blessings, it has also carried it's fair share of trials. I continue to choose Jesus and He is not defined by my circumstances! God has brought so much restoration in our lives! Today, we are home-owners, and expecting our first child. Life is abundant in this season, and we are so thankful! The Lord has brought so much joy and freedom into my life that was once broken and desolate. Rain or shine, Jesus is the only way. We look forward to starting our own family in June and continuing to pass down the love of Christ to our own children. Glory be to God, now and always!
No comments:
Post a Comment